WAVES AND SHADOWS April 19, 2024

October 25, 2021

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit."  Psalm 34:18 NASB

Lord, 

Once again the preprinted scripture for the day in this perfect journal Mandy gave me speaks to the situation, to the emotions that need to hear Your voice. Thank You for always being on time.

I told Gea yesterday that I need a purpose bigger than myself (You knew that already.)

Yesterday was the day chosen for the Deacon Ordination for the new deacons at First Southern Baptist Church. BW was surprised, but definitely honored to have been asked to serve as a deacon. He was counseled by his good friend and deacon Bennie Mason, he had completed the study materials in preparation for this new purpose in his life, we had been counseled by Bennie and Sherian as is the custom for the new couples, and attended dinner the present deacons gave for the incoming deacons and their wives. I was thrilled for BW. 

It was an ordination he missed because he had been given another new thing - his eternal home in Heaven. 

Our Pastor Keith Burkhart said he would understand if I thought it would be too much to be there the day after BW's funeral. I simply said, "How could I not be there?" I could not have missed the opportunity to represent BW at a moment he would have cherished (along with the girls and myself). Chairs were placed at the front for the new deacons and their wives as the church family quietly filed by and prayed for each one of the men and his wife. The girls and I placed three roses and the book he had studied on his vacant chair. I sat next to where he should have been. 

So many sweet souls began pouring into me the hope of a future without BW. A future of "a new thing" You were doing in my life. In Your time, I pray I will recognize Your plans for the direction of this life moving forward without my husband. It was a powerful time when only God received the glory for this much love shown in BW's memory and the support for our family.  Son-in-law Ken is a photographer. He discreetly snapped a few photos with his phone. The pictures are of those private moments, and I will always treasure the reminder of something so extraordinary.

I am so thankful Gea was still here and could attend the ordination before she had to return home and that Ken and Mandy were here. I know how proud they always were and always will be of their dad.

Please fill my heart with Jesus. Bro. Tom Elliff offered this prayer for me to remember. It's the prayer he prayed after the loss of his beautiful wife Jeannie:

     "May my continual, all consuming thoughts of You be more than my continual, all-consuming thoughts of grief for BW."

I will pray this prayer often in the weeks and months to come, as often and for long as I need to pray it.

I  don't want to be looking into tear-filled eyes of widows, telling them it will never get better. While I grieve with them and for them, I have to believe that You're bigger than our grief. I'll cry out to you in the silence and by pouring those unspoken prayers into this journal, along with the promises you show me through Your word. It's the only way I can survive. Please give me those words, scriptures, and prayers, and I'll put them to pen.

"Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort."  II Corinthians 1:3

God, You are good because You are the God of all comfort.

 

WAVES AND SHADOWS April 16, 2024

"Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed, Because His compassions fail not, They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness."  Lamentations 3:22-23 NKJV

Below is the link to BW (Bud) Sullivan's obituary and the link to his memorial video.

https://memorials.vondelsmithmortuary.com/bud-sullivan/4755645/index.php

https://www.vondelsmithmortuary.com/memorials/bud-sullivan/4755645/index.php#photos

God, You are good because You meet our needs in our most painful and desperate times.

WAVES AND SHADOWS April 11, 2024

October 18, 2021

"How blessed is he who considers the helpless; the Lord will deliver him in a day of trouble. The Lord will protect him and keep him alive, And he shall be called blessed upon the earth, And do not give him over to the desire of his enemies."

Psalm 41:1-2

Lord,

You took my love tonight. My soul mate. I pleaded with You to heal him and bring him home to me. 

But Your ways are higher.

You spared BW anymore illness or grief from bring separated from us those last 11 days. You restored him completely and brought him into eternity with You. I begged You to heal him and let him stay with us, but it wasn't Your plan

Every inch of his body must have begged him to call it a day from his work, day after day. But he remained willing and faithful to the only thing he knew - hard physical labor. 

He was becoming tired more easily than he used to. How could I begrudge him the rest he now has with you. I read that we will still have jobs to do for You, but without the drudgery (though BW never saw his work in that way.) His lungs will never again be attacked by pollen, dust, smoke, or construction debris. Or the evil attack of COVID.

Please tell him every day how much I love him. I want to work hard to finish the task You've set before me so I can join him.

This was his appointed time, not to die, but to become more alive than he ever was here, even though he lived each day to its fullest.

My heart is broken. Our daughters' hearts are broken. Peggy's and Jim's hearts are broken and everyone who ever knew and loved him. 

We are crushed. But You will be with us.

You already are. You showed us with the miracle of Gea, Mandy, and I getting to spend those precious 4 1/2 final hours with him. (That hospital policy had been changed only the night before tonight.)  We used that time to pour our love and gratitude into him for the love he showered on us. For being a godly husband and dad. A godly person to everyone. He was already in a coma, but we trusted that his hearing was truly there until his final breath.

God, You are good because You sent Your Son to make a way for us to be reunited with him and in Your presence for eternity. 

WAVES AND SHADOWS April 7, 2024

"For God is not a God of confusion but of peace." I Corinthians 14:33  NASB

October 18     3:45AM

I finally talked to BW's nurse just now. He's fully intubated and resting. His SATS are at about 88. They've added a blood pressure medication.

We will not be able to see him.

And now we wait.

And pray.

And pray some more.

FACEBOOK entry to family and friends:

I've felt in my spirit all day that BW would need extraordinary help to move past his inability to breathe. An attempt to use a bi-pap was not successful so he will be placed on a ventilator. He may already be on one.

The horror I've felt and expressed over ventilators is not in me tonight. I'm at peace  because I've listened to him struggle for every breath. My apologies for posting such a sensitive message here, but it's the only way I feel I can honor each one of you, our prayer warriors who have supported us with your love and prayers these days. 

God is able. He loves BW/Bud more than all of us together. His prayer for tonight (and mine) is for you to know the hope and peace that only comes from a personal relationship with Jesus. He is our strength, our ever-present help in times of danger.

God, You are good because You are (still) our ever-present help...

WAVES AND SHADOWS April 5, 2024

October 17, 2021

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5,6

Thank You, Lord, for hearing and answering my prayers, cries actually, for BW last night. My prayer this morning is that it will prove to be the lowest point for him, and that the breakthrough is now his reality. 

You called me to live in the moment, to trust You in real time and, yes, to continue to ask over and over for BW to survive and to recover.

You are the Great I AM. My heart's desire is to be present and in the present with You. 

I love you, praise You, and I thank You.

"God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change And though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea; Though its waters roar and foam, Though the mountains quake at its swelling pride. Selah." Psalm 46:1-3 NASB

"I love You, O Lord, my strength." The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised, And I am saved from my enemies." Psalm 18:1-3 NASB

"Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."  Psalm 46:10-11 NASB

God, you are good because You are "an ever-present help..."  You speak to us as You guide us to Your Word in our darkest moments.

WAVES AND SHADOWS April 2, 2024

October 16, 2021

"Consider it a great joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you experience various trials, because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance."  James 1:2-3

Mary LaFrance is a close friend and one of many prayer warriors standing with BW and our family at this time.  She emailed this encouragement on October 14, 2021:

"When the stillness of the night seems too silent and the darkness lasts too long to suit your heart...Jesus is right there.

"Even when daylight comes again, and yet everything around seems to remain the same without much change...Jesus is there.

"Remain steadfast and in hope, because you have the genuine hope that the hopeless world cannot understand... The greatest hope above all else in Jesus Christ.

"As the wiles of the devil try to stir your thoughts and make you feel uneasy, rest at ease in the arms of our Good Father because He loves you more than you'll ever know here on earth.

"Let the quietness of your spirit calm any storms that are raging inside. You are covered by the blanket of Jesus' grace, tender mercies and unfailing love.

"So let today be a day where you sing songs of praise for every blessing, big and small. It's during the hard times that our songs are sometimes sweeter to our Father's ears.

"Know this much for sure: as the dawn awakens , and as the sunset falls, someone, somewhere is praying for you. And that someone is me."   Mary LaFrance, October 14, 2021

God, you are good because you send your prayer warriors day and night with just the right words of comfort and encouragement. Bless Mary for her surrendered heart.

WAVES AND SHADOWS March 30, 2024

October 16, 2021

"You will go out with joy and be led out in peace. The mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees in the fields will clap their hands."  Isaiah 55:12

I come to You as October 16 begins - during the dreaded nighttime hours when the discourager, the enemy, slides out of his hole dragging fear, dread, and doubt into our lives.

Tonight I pray against him, against this evil attack on body and spirit. He is bound by Your power, Your sovereignty, Your omniscience, Your omnipresence. We need to fully lean on You knowing you are with BW when I can't be. When our daughters can't be. There's no room for the enemy's presence with him or with us.

Please bring healing and peace, the very things that define Your Holy Trinity into BW's room, into his heart, mind, soul, and his struggling lungs. Overtake every organism that seeks to destroy him. Please. 

In the name of Jesus I pray.

"I waited patiently for the Lord; And He inclined to me and heard my cry. He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay. And He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God; Many will see and fear And will trust in the Lord."  Psalm 40:1-3.

God, you are good because You lean in to hear my cry and You pull me up and set my feet upon a rock, making my footsteps firm. You give me a new song of peace to give back to you.

October 16, 2021  Evening

"God will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy." Job 8:21

Father, I do thank you for the help You provided that opened up his  lungs and breathing passages. Please hold them open through the night. Fill his lungs with Your breath, Your Spirit, Your healing. Please, Lord.

Thank You.

I praise You for Who You are and for all the  mighty things You have done and are going to do. May it begin now, in Jesus name, the name above all names.

"Whom have I in heaven but you. And besides You I desire nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. For, behold, those who are far from You will perish; You have destroyed all those who are unfaithful to You. But as for me, the nearness of God is my good; I have made the Lord God my refuge That I may tell of all Your works."      Psalm 73:25-28.

God, You are good because You are the strength of our hearts and our portion forever. The nearness of You is our good. You are our refuge, our Lord God.

 

WAVES AND SHADOWS March 28, 2024

This is the third time I've shared this post about my husband of more than 48 years. 

This year, he would have been 78 years old. I didn't want March to slip by without the opportunity to introduce the man God brought into my life in 1972 (just before his birthday). This is the love of my life whose illness and death brought me to complete dependence on God. 

I'm still here, trusting the Lord for each day that passes without my husband. He was amazing. And a gift I will always cherish...

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March 21, 2014

I'm reposting this one today to help celebrate BW's birthday (Bud to many). I'm blessed everyday to have him in my life.

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This week we’re at letter “I” and our mentor/blogger, Patty Wysong, suggested that we use this week to Introduce ourselves. Okay, Patty (“Peej”). This one’s for you.

To keep my personal Introduction from sounding like a confessional, allow me to present my amazing husband. He’s much more interesting. Then, just know that I possess the flip side of his attributes. If it's true that opposites attract, then our marriage was absolutely made in Heaven (Is this where I apologize for using two clichés in one sentence?).

BW loves to mingle, has a smile bigger than Dallas, and never meets a stranger.

He can work outside in a blinding blizzard or record-breaking heat – without complaining.

He never takes things personally.

He enjoys – I repeat, “enjoys” – spending some of his Saturdays driving a church bus full of rowdy charges from one of the most underprivileged areas in our city to church for their special time of Bible study and worship.

My heroic rescuer used to joke that his career(s) meant waiting for someone’s house to burn down (retired firefighter) or roof to cave in (owner of a small roofing/structural maintenance company). I’m fortunate to have been one of many damsels in distress he encounters on a regular basis, but that’s a story for another day.

BW is the consummate optimist. Whatever the project, once the first nail is driven he smiles and says, “All I like is finishing up!”

His motto could be “Go big or go home.” Our newlywed dream of having a home and five acres on the outskirts of Oklahoma City morphed into 80 acres an hour away. And we were sixty miles from his daily work, our families and friends and almost fifteen miles from the nearest dry cleaners, the bank and our church. We lived there for 15 years before moving back to our roots. All things considered --- even the inconvenience --- that experience is one we will always treasure.

It's been said that marriage is made in Heaven. Someone added "So are thunder and lightning." The balance of similarities and differences in our personalities keep our relationship more to the heavenly side. We both love the Lord. Our imperfect lives are centered on Him, the family He gave us, and enjoying the beauty of His creation.

We are thankful for the two different worlds that collided when we met. His background included horses and cattle –from a family of rodeo enthusiasts. My family’s activities were, shall we say, sedentary: Dad was always playing the guitar while my mother listened and kept time with her crochet needles.

As a child, I had always dreamed of owning a horse and a piano. Bud made both of those dreams come true.

I was terrified of heights. He taught me to snow ski. I couldn’t swim and still had memories of almost drowning --- three times. He taught me to water ski.

My husband's ridin’ and ropin’ days are over, but he’ll always be at home outside or creating things in his shop filled with mammoth tools and his imagination. Yet for eighteen years he willingly took time to come to concerts by the Singing Church Women of Oklahoma, even though I was but a speck among 400 women in a sea of sequins and long, black dresses. (Need a little updating here: I thought his rodeo days were over, but I should have consulted Bud before making such a naïve observation. My forever-young husband is actually celebrating his 68th birthday by bringing "Rowdy" home from being "broken" and will be riding him for the first time today.)

We’ve come back to our original plan and now live on those five acres near Will Rogers Airport in Oklahoma City. It’s good to be back “home” close to our two daughters and their families.

Most of my goals have been achieved: I’m married, have two beautiful daughters, three grandsons and their terrific dads – and don’t forget the horse and piano. I’m still working on becoming the person God had in mind when He formed me. I do love people, but in a more shy way. Hopefully, my desire to write comes from the Lord and He will able to use that for His glory, not mine. And...I want to be more like my husband.

He makes me better.

Waves and Shadows March 27, 2024

October 15, 2021

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7 ESV

My Heavenly Father,

You blessed this wife and mom twice today.

Fist, the news that I may get to see BW this coming Saturday. Please, Lord, may it be so.

Secondly, you brought Gea here safely from Florida. Such a long road trip for her, driving alone and having to stay by herself in Birmingham, AL.

It seems BW wasn't as well today. He's in a more restrictive oxygen mask. I pray it was just the stormy weather and unstable air that was bothering him. And I pray he gets deep, restful sleep now that the storms have passed.

I thank you for your protection tonight from those storms.

"The Lord is my Shepherd, Il shall  not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures;

He leads me beside quiet waters.

He restores my soul,

He guides me in the paths of righteousness 

     For His name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

     I fear no evil, for You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

You have anointed my head with oil; 

     My cup overflows.

Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."     Psalm 23

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope."   Jeremiah 23:11  (Shared by friend Joan Kellogg)

God, You are good because You are the Good Shepherd.

WAVES AND SHADOWS March 24, 2024

October 14, 2021

“The Lord gives His people strength; the Lord blesses His people with peace.” Psalm 29:11 CSB

 

 Praying for Others 

Heavenly Father, in the midst of our crises, may I be mindful of others who are also hurting. Mandy’s best friend, Jennifer’s dad Steve died at home on October 11. Steve and Bonnie have been dear friends since the day we met them when Mandy and Jennifer were moving into their dorm at Oklahoma Baptist University. The bond was instant with this sweet family who also chose to live in the country as we were at the time. We had almost five years of sharing time with these remarkable young women, so gifted with music and who love You well and openly. 

Friend Lee’s friend Tracey is also ill with COVID. 

Steve and Sally Kern lost a dear friend from injuries sustained in a motorcycle wreck.   

I pray for Gea as she travels alone from Tampa to Oklahoma City. She had scheduled a flight for this coming weekend to be here for BW’s Deacon Ordination at First Southern Baptist Church on Sunday. Now she’s driving here alone to be here with us as we pray and wait for God’s healing hand to end this nightmare. 

“Answer me, O Lord, for Your lovingkindness is good; According to the greatness of Your compassion, turn to me. And do not hide Your face from Your servant. For I am in distress. Answer me quickly.” Psalm 69:16-17 

“God is our refuge and strength. A very present help in trouble.” Psalm 46:1 (Shared by friend Mary LaFrance this evening.) 

“But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves; we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed. Perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our body.”  II Corinthians 4:7-10. (Shared by friend Sherian Mason.) 

“Cease striving and know that I am God.”    Psalm 46:10 

“Do not be afraid any longer; only believe, and she (he?) will be made well.”  Jesus Luke 8:50b 

 

God, You are good because You choose to work through humble hearts who seek to know and to love You more each day.