November 6, 2021
"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39 ESV
My day took a different turn today. A planned trip to see Joyce was postponed. I went to the cemetery to take fresh flowers for BW and for Dad and Mom's graves. It was a gorgeous November day.
My first grocery shopping for myself happened today. It made me sad. BW did the lion's share of grocery shopping. He knew what he liked for meals and for snacks. I was more than happy for him to enjoy his own shopping. Sometimes we would divide and conquer with our own lists and grocery carts. But today I wandered through the grocery aisles like I had never been inside Crest Market before. Nothing interested me. I choked back the tears in this foreign place. Foreign because I didn't even have to wonder what BW might like to have, much less anything that looked or sounded good to me. I left a while later with a bag of junk food. Some might call it comfort food, but that's a fallacy. There is no comfort in empty calories or in nutritious food, as hard as we seek to find it there. It was just survival food.
BW loved shopping: Any store, any time. Especially Sam's. He even loved shopping with me for clothes. I always came away with more than a single item for a specific event. He would bring hangars of things for me to try on. He had great taste in his own clothing; I always valued his opinion. And he always seemed to be fine with my choices.
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I'll keep going through the motions of getting through each day. Many prayers are being said for us, for your sweet daughters and for me. I see the same grief-stricken faces at church, soul mates not of our choosing, yet sharing the same journey each and every day. We seem to find some assurance and hope in the eyes of each other. Survivors, but only by God's grace and strength and through the prayers of others. I need to remember each sweet friend who is also in this state somewhere between reality and the memories that allow only a glimpse of time together with, like you and me, the loves of their lives.
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"It is in the quiet crucible of your personal, private sufferings that your noblest dreams are born, and God's greatest gifts are given in compensation of what you've been through." Wintley Phipps
"The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble ..." Nahum 1:7a
God, You are good because you know those (of us) who trust in You. (Nahum1:7b)
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Sunday, November 7, 2021
"Therefore the Lord is waiting to show you mercy, and is rising up to show you compassion, for the Lord is a just God, All who wait patiently for Him are happy." Isaiah 30:18 CSB
You are God. Only You are Truth. Only You know everything and have ordained our futures. Only You can take the evil that surrounds us and place it firmly beneath Your feet in defeat. We are powerless without Your divine will and strength.
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I have a voice mail saved on my phone. I want to hear your voice, but I'm not sure my heart can take it. Hearing your strong, yet kind tone could actually make what's left of me break into pieces. We are helpless without God's divine will and strength.
(As it turned out the more than 3-minute voicemail I had saved was merely background noise. Either your phone or mine had not disconnected. There was no you on that voice mail. While I can still hear your voice in family video clips, I have no personal message from you. It breaks my heart, but it is what it is.)
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"I need Thee, O I need Thee. Every hour I need Thee. O bless me now, My Savior. I come to Thee."
"Lord, be gracious to us! We wait for You. Be our strength every morning and our salvation in time of trouble. Isaiah 33:2 CSB
You blessed us with an incredibly beautiful day. 73 degrees on November 7! And You blessed me with Mandy's presence and help. It felt good to be outdoors and doing some (light) physical work. Working as caretakes of the beautiful home You provided BW and me.
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You took this simple five-acre lot with only a home and a few trees and poured yourself into what I see as an incredible "estate." The small pine trees we planted early on are now mature and statuesque next to our drive. We planted a few oak trees that now provide evening shade over much of the front of the property.
Mother's Day always meant a trip with you to the local Marcum's to buy bedding plants. You made short work of cleaning out the flower beds and we planted fresh spring flowers that are still overflowing with color, even in November.
Mandy and I worked together with the mowing, trimming, and edging. Our efforts left us with a feeling of accomplishment and a heart full of gratitude for the home and grounds your many years of hard work provided. I'm so glad you and I were able to enjoy it together for sixteen years. I want to honor that hard work by doing everything I can to maintain our home. Mandy pours herself into this place just as you did. I know she feels close to you and that she's honoring you with her hard work and careful attention. Gea has said that she wishes she could be close enough to help. Your two girls sure do love you, and so do I.
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We're back on Central Daylight hours again so our long evenings will now be indoors. I dread the next several weeks alone inside. Help me to use those hours to draw closer to You for comfort, for correction, for hope as I anticipate my reunion with BW. How I long to see his face and hear his voice welcoming me to our forever home. The home he now occupies with You.
From Pastor Keith's sermon this morning:
"How can I return to God?"
Malachi 3:7 "Return to Me, and I will return to you," says the Lord of hosts ...
The call of God to honor, trust, heal broken fellowship with Him. Constantly abiding through the power of the Holy Spirit. Wanting God more than anything else.
God, You are good because Your grace is sufficient and because You seek fellowship with us.
