.... from Waves and Shadows to share yet another word of encouragement for those who may suffer as I have with insomnia.
My purpose for Waves and Shadows is to offer my personal testimony to the goodness of God in even the most difficult situations. Following is the most recent step of healing for a mind that tends to freewheel even into the morning hours practically every night:
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After last night and the three nights before, I realize I should not, cannot, stress over not sleeping one more night. I will simply begin and end each day with gratitude for the way You protect me by supplying what I need each day - including the ability to function.
I've heard the expression "crying oneself to sleep." For me, the tears can sometimes flow easily, but never to the point of falling asleep. I tried a mild prescribed sedative. It gave me a headache, but no rest. Over-the-counter sleep aids that used to mean four or five hours of sleep no longer work. They haven't since BW's death.
The enemy would have me feel abandoned during those quiet times when the rest of the world is surely fast asleep "in the wee, small hours of the morning." I confess that feeling did pay a short visit last night when I prayed to know what I've been missing in my prayers for rest.
"Functioning insomniac" is the title of my current life - a term that came to me this morning, but doesn't feel like it originated with me. You get the credit and the gratitude for making me realize You do care and that You carry me through each day. You give me the rest I absolutely need whether through open eyes or a few precious moments of actual sleep.
This morning, after another tearful longing for rest, I realized that You truly are with me, even during the long, sleepless nights and as I still function the next day, at least at some level. It feels like I need to abandon any treatment or tricks I've tried to get some rest: watching TV, listening to Christian podcasts and sermons, and soft music.
You tell us to be anxious for nothing, and to me that includes dreading going to bed each night, knowing it's just going to be more of the same.
No more.
You've given me everything I need to enjoy a night's rest. However that comes, whenever it comes, it's in Your hands.
This is between You and me.
You want me to turn to You first and above everything the world has to offer. I shied away from daytime naps for fear they would only keep me awake at night. But when I feel tired, I need to accept that as an appointed time to get some sleep without worrying over future nighttime issues. I'll sleep when the Holy Spirit makes me aware that it's time to get some rest.
You never promise to remove the struggles we have, the grief and everything it entails. But You do promise to never leave us or forsake us. You see us and every physical or emotional trial we have. The purpose of those trials is to draw us closer to You. Lead me to surrender to You each day and each night, full of faith and gratitude for Your care and Your presence. Please pull me into a deeper realization of Your presence and give me a sense of Your will for my life.
In Jesus' name.
