WAVES AND SHADOWS

October 26, 2021

"Lord, don't hold back Your tender mercies from me. Let Your unfailing love and faithfulness always protect me."  Psalm 40:11 NLT

I woke up early this Tuesday morning with the touch of three kisses. At first I thought it was a dream, but was it really? It woke me up. I didn't "see" it. I felt it. I would really love more of those visits, but if I only get one, thank You for that. The memory will be with me forever.

Lord, the waves of grief have arrived. The sinking feeling of the future I face without BW. I take a deep breath, ask You to help me and wait for the wave (and the chest pains) to move through.

Thank You for the family and close friends I can call at any time. But mostly for Gea and Mandy who bring love and strength even as their own hearts are breaking.

Thank you for the beautiful and safe home that BW brought us to, the one You provided.

"Where tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand 

  That an angel came and called my name,

  And took me by the hand;

 The angel said my place was ready in Heaven far above,

 And I'd have to leave behind 

 All those I dearly love.

 But when I walked through Heaven's gates I felt so much at home

 For God looked down, smiled at me,

 and told me, 'Welcome home.'

 So when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart,

 For every time you think of me,

 I'm right there in your heart."                          

 COPIED

"Be strong and of a good courage, do not be afraid...for the Lord your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6   NASB

God, You are good because You use past memories and current blessings to let me know You are with me and You'll never forsake me.

WAVES AND SHADOWS April 19, 2024

October 25, 2021

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit."  Psalm 34:18 NASB

Lord, 

Once again the preprinted scripture for the day in this perfect journal Mandy gave me speaks to the situation, to the emotions that need to hear Your voice. Thank You for always being on time.

I told Gea yesterday that I need a purpose bigger than myself (You knew that already.)

Yesterday was the day chosen for the Deacon Ordination for the new deacons at First Southern Baptist Church. BW was surprised, but definitely honored to have been asked to serve as a deacon. He was counseled by his good friend and deacon Bennie Mason, he had completed the study materials in preparation for this new purpose in his life, we had been counseled by Bennie and Sherian as is the custom for the new couples, and attended dinner the present deacons gave for the incoming deacons and their wives. I was thrilled for BW. 

It was an ordination he missed because he had been given another new thing - his eternal home in Heaven. 

Our Pastor Keith Burkhart said he would understand if I thought it would be too much to be there the day after BW's funeral. I simply said, "How could I not be there?" I could not have missed the opportunity to represent BW at a moment he would have cherished (along with the girls and myself). Chairs were placed at the front for the new deacons and their wives as the church family quietly filed by and prayed for each one of the men and his wife. The girls and I placed three roses and the book he had studied on his vacant chair. I sat next to where he should have been. 

So many sweet souls began pouring into me the hope of a future without BW. A future of "a new thing" You were doing in my life. In Your time, I pray I will recognize Your plans for the direction of this life moving forward without my husband. It was a powerful time when only God received the glory for this much love shown in BW's memory and the support for our family.  Son-in-law Ken is a photographer. He discreetly snapped a few photos with his phone. The pictures are of those private moments, and I will always treasure the reminder of something so extraordinary.

I am so thankful Gea was still here and could attend the ordination before she had to return home and that Ken and Mandy were here. I know how proud they always were and always will be of their dad.

Please fill my heart with Jesus. Bro. Tom Elliff offered this prayer for me to remember. It's the prayer he prayed after the loss of his beautiful wife Jeannie:

     "May my continual, all consuming thoughts of You be more than my continual, all-consuming thoughts of grief for BW."

I will pray this prayer often in the weeks and months to come, as often and for long as I need to pray it.

I  don't want to be looking into tear-filled eyes of widows, telling them it will never get better. While I grieve with them and for them, I have to believe that You're bigger than our grief. I'll cry out to you in the silence and by pouring those unspoken prayers into this journal, along with the promises you show me through Your word. It's the only way I can survive. Please give me those words, scriptures, and prayers, and I'll put them to pen.

"Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort."  II Corinthians 1:3

God, You are good because You are the God of all comfort.

 

WAVES AND SHADOWS April 16, 2024

"Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed, Because His compassions fail not, They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness."  Lamentations 3:22-23 NKJV

Below is the link to BW (Bud) Sullivan's obituary and the link to his memorial video.

https://memorials.vondelsmithmortuary.com/bud-sullivan/4755645/index.php

https://www.vondelsmithmortuary.com/memorials/bud-sullivan/4755645/index.php#photos

God, You are good because You meet our needs in our most painful and desperate times.

WAVES AND SHADOWS April 11, 2024

October 18, 2021

"How blessed is he who considers the helpless; the Lord will deliver him in a day of trouble. The Lord will protect him and keep him alive, And he shall be called blessed upon the earth, And do not give him over to the desire of his enemies."

Psalm 41:1-2

Lord,

You took my love tonight. My soul mate. I pleaded with You to heal him and bring him home to me. 

But Your ways are higher.

You spared BW anymore illness or grief from bring separated from us those last 11 days. You restored him completely and brought him into eternity with You. I begged You to heal him and let him stay with us, but it wasn't Your plan

Every inch of his body must have begged him to call it a day from his work, day after day. But he remained willing and faithful to the only thing he knew - hard physical labor. 

He was becoming tired more easily than he used to. How could I begrudge him the rest he now has with you. I read that we will still have jobs to do for You, but without the drudgery (though BW never saw his work in that way.) His lungs will never again be attacked by pollen, dust, smoke, or construction debris. Or the evil attack of COVID.

Please tell him every day how much I love him. I want to work hard to finish the task You've set before me so I can join him.

This was his appointed time, not to die, but to become more alive than he ever was here, even though he lived each day to its fullest.

My heart is broken. Our daughters' hearts are broken. Peggy's and Jim's hearts are broken and everyone who ever knew and loved him. 

We are crushed. But You will be with us.

You already are. You showed us with the miracle of Gea, Mandy, and I getting to spend those precious 4 1/2 final hours with him. (That hospital policy had been changed only the night before tonight.)  We used that time to pour our love and gratitude into him for the love he showered on us. For being a godly husband and dad. A godly person to everyone. He was already in a coma, but we trusted that his hearing was truly there until his final breath.

God, You are good because You sent Your Son to make a way for us to be reunited with him and in Your presence for eternity. 

WAVES AND SHADOWS April 7, 2024

"For God is not a God of confusion but of peace." I Corinthians 14:33  NASB

October 18     3:45AM

I finally talked to BW's nurse just now. He's fully intubated and resting. His SATS are at about 88. They've added a blood pressure medication.

We will not be able to see him.

And now we wait.

And pray.

And pray some more.

FACEBOOK entry to family and friends:

I've felt in my spirit all day that BW would need extraordinary help to move past his inability to breathe. An attempt to use a bi-pap was not successful so he will be placed on a ventilator. He may already be on one.

The horror I've felt and expressed over ventilators is not in me tonight. I'm at peace  because I've listened to him struggle for every breath. My apologies for posting such a sensitive message here, but it's the only way I feel I can honor each one of you, our prayer warriors who have supported us with your love and prayers these days. 

God is able. He loves BW/Bud more than all of us together. His prayer for tonight (and mine) is for you to know the hope and peace that only comes from a personal relationship with Jesus. He is our strength, our ever-present help in times of danger.

God, You are good because You are (still) our ever-present help...

WAVES AND SHADOWS April 5, 2024

October 17, 2021

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5,6

Thank You, Lord, for hearing and answering my prayers, cries actually, for BW last night. My prayer this morning is that it will prove to be the lowest point for him, and that the breakthrough is now his reality. 

You called me to live in the moment, to trust You in real time and, yes, to continue to ask over and over for BW to survive and to recover.

You are the Great I AM. My heart's desire is to be present and in the present with You. 

I love you, praise You, and I thank You.

"God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change And though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea; Though its waters roar and foam, Though the mountains quake at its swelling pride. Selah." Psalm 46:1-3 NASB

"I love You, O Lord, my strength." The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised, And I am saved from my enemies." Psalm 18:1-3 NASB

"Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."  Psalm 46:10-11 NASB

God, you are good because You are "an ever-present help..."  You speak to us as You guide us to Your Word in our darkest moments.

WAVES AND SHADOWS April 2, 2024

October 16, 2021

"Consider it a great joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you experience various trials, because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance."  James 1:2-3

Mary LaFrance is a close friend and one of many prayer warriors standing with BW and our family at this time.  She emailed this encouragement on October 14, 2021:

"When the stillness of the night seems too silent and the darkness lasts too long to suit your heart...Jesus is right there.

"Even when daylight comes again, and yet everything around seems to remain the same without much change...Jesus is there.

"Remain steadfast and in hope, because you have the genuine hope that the hopeless world cannot understand... The greatest hope above all else in Jesus Christ.

"As the wiles of the devil try to stir your thoughts and make you feel uneasy, rest at ease in the arms of our Good Father because He loves you more than you'll ever know here on earth.

"Let the quietness of your spirit calm any storms that are raging inside. You are covered by the blanket of Jesus' grace, tender mercies and unfailing love.

"So let today be a day where you sing songs of praise for every blessing, big and small. It's during the hard times that our songs are sometimes sweeter to our Father's ears.

"Know this much for sure: as the dawn awakens , and as the sunset falls, someone, somewhere is praying for you. And that someone is me."   Mary LaFrance, October 14, 2021

God, you are good because you send your prayer warriors day and night with just the right words of comfort and encouragement. Bless Mary for her surrendered heart.